Blank Check 2: Blank Checks
by Patbert
Summary: Preston Waters (the main kid) steals a backpack full of blank checks, and becomes richer and more powerful than he could possibly imagine. What an adventure! Will he eat too many shrimp? Will he become a god? Can he stop his nemesis from bringing himself back from the dead? Who knows? It's the 90's, and anything can happen! Just kidding, there's no such thing as too many shrimp!
1. Ow! My foot!

_Author's Note: Good evening, and welcome to the official novelization of the sequel to the 1994 movie "Blank Check"! When Hollywood great Rupert Wainwright called_ me _and told me that I was the only one that he trusted to write the official novelization of the sequel to_ his _movie, I was honored. In my excitement, I may have screamed a little in excitement. Pretty much, the whole cast is back from the first movie, but due to conflicting schedules and huge egos, the sequel was never made, but it seemed a shame to not make this beautiful movie available to the fans of the first movie. Please enjoy and spread the word. Maybe, if this becomes popular enough, this movie could someday be made!_

* * *

Our story begins on a crisp autumn day in Austin, Texas, where a man named Buck Wiggles was having a terribly busy day at the office. He was carrying a cardboard box from one end of his office to the other, and back again. To some, the box may have appeared to be a normal, cubic, cardboard box, but to Buck, it was the sexiest box in the entire world. He was busy with his task of carrying the box around the room, but not too busy to take a moment and enjoy the good work he had done. He set the box down on a table, opened the lid, and pulled out one of the many checks (or _cheques_ ) inside.

He stood for several long minutes gazing at the signature on the check. "I'm so glad that I finally worked on my signature." he said to the room at large. "After writing it thousands and thousands of times, once each on the many checks inside of this box, it looks like something a classy adult would write. I'm so proud!"

"Wiggles!" shouted his boss, Señor Gus. "Get that box out to the street, right now!" Señor Gus was a ruthless businessman who would stop at nothing to turn a profit.

Buck didn't have as much business sense as Señor Gus, but he knew a critical assignment when he saw one! Buck scrambled to get the box out to the street as quickly as possible. He bounded down the stairs three at a time, turned the doorknob with his butt, and dashed out onto the sidewalk.

Just then, Preston Waters jumped out from the bushes and hit him in the foot with a hammer! Of all the luck!

Buck yelped in pain, and the box of checks went flying into the air. The checks scattered to the wind, like leaves in a hurricane. Buck stood there, admiring the beauty of it all, but the pain in his foot brought him careening back to reality.

"Ow! You rotten kid!" yelled Buck Wiggles, responsible adult.

"Whoa! Super cool!" exclaimed rad 90's kid, Preston Waters, as all the cheques flew into his open backpack and/or pockets, by complete coincidence.

"Give those back!" shouted Buck. "I've signed each and every one of those, making them as good as money!"

But it was to no avail. Preston suddenly had a skateboard and was skating away faster than young professional, Buck Wiggles, could run, especially with his injured foot. The sky grew dark, and it began to rain. Buck reached up to the heavens and screamed, "Why me?", but he went unanswered, except by raindrops.

* * *

Meanwhile, Preston's world was all sunshine and rainbows. He had heard what Buck had said about the checks being as good as money, and he was ready to spend! He skated into a toy store.

"Give me all your video games!" said Preston, cheerfully slapping a check down on the counter.

The clerk looked quizzically at the cheque. "Sir, this is a check. Do you have any I.D?"

"What's I.D.?" asked Preston.

"Excellent!" the clerk exclaimed, his eyes momentarily turning into dollar signs. "I.D. is where you fill in this line with the number of dollars you wish to spend. Our games cost the largest amount that you can think of."

Preston wrote the largest number that he could think of, 56, on the line that the clerk had pointed to. The clerk frowned a little bit, embarassed on Preston's behalf of his poor math skills, but handed him a game.

Preston squinted comically at the game. "What's this? 'Blank Check: The Game'? This sounds like the worst! Hey! The kid on the cover looks kinda like me!" Preston skated home as fast as he could to try it out.


	2. Preston plays video games for 6 Hours

Preston hurled himself through the plate-glass window of his house and landed violently on the couch. He pulled the copy of Blank Check: The Game out of his backpack, and threw it as hard as he could at his VideoGame Console®. The cartridge stuck perfectly in the slot, and the impact was hard enough to turn on the system and the television.

"FINALLY!" gasped Preston, still out of breath. Broken windows could be replaced, and his window-slashed arms could be healed. Now that he had money, his most valuable and irreplaceable resource had become time.

Preston mashed the 'START' button on his controller as fast as he could, and before long, he was navigating a rad 90's kid that looked just like him through a 2D maze on screen. Preston was getting the hang of the JUMP and SPEND buttons, and learning how money worked, when he looked outside and saw that it was dark, and the clock had moved to the other side of the room.

"What? My whole day is gone! I have to get to bed!" Preston got off of the bloodstained couch, and sprinted to bed, shrieking a hasty 'Goodnight' to his parents as he passed them in the living room. Preston threw himself under the covers, and willed himself to sleep as hard as he could, and in mere seconds, he was sleeping soundly.

The next morning, Preston woke with a start. The sun was out, which meant that he was late! Late for spending, that is! Preston started to run toward the front door, but his legs wouldn't move! His little boy legs were crazy sore! He had never been sore before, but now that he had money, that meant that he was an adult now, and adults get sore like _**that!**_ (I am snapping my fingers to demonstrate the rapidity of adult onset soreness).

Preston wasn't about to let something like sore legs stop him from achieving his true potential! He needed his skateboard! He called to his skateboard, which was across the room. It didn't budge. He tried yelling louder. It still didn't move.

"Honey? Why are you yelling the word 'skateboard'?" called his mom from downstairs.

"No reason! I'm an adult now!" he yelled back.

He turned back to the skateboard and said "If you come over here, I'll give you some money."

The skateboard thought for a minute, then rolled over to him! Blessed mobility, at last!

He skated to the furniture store on the corner. He tugged on a salesman's shirt to get her attention.

"Are you lost?" she asked.

"No. I'm RICH!" Preston replied. "Do you sell pianos?"


	3. Buck gets a call from the bank

Buck was pacing back and forth in his single bedroom apartment. There wasn't a lot of room for pacing, but Buck did his best. He was so clumsy! Suddenly, his phone rang!

"Ring-a-ding-ding!" said his phone.

"Who's calling?" Buck asked.

"Ring-a-ding-ding!" replied his phone.

Buck kicked himself in his own butt for not remembering. He was still stuck in the past, and these primitive rotary phones wouldn't talk to him.

Buck picked up the receiver. "Hello? This is Buck."

"Hello, this is an automated call from The Bank! This should come as no surprise, but I wanted to remind you that when giving children with no I.D. your checks, they should fill out the amount field in cursive. This makes fraud more difficult for thieves. We'll let it slide for this account, but please remind the child. Thank you! Goodbye!"

Buck realized that the situation had become escalated! Could he sue? No lawyer would take his case, this kid was spending all of his money. Could he call the police? No, because how would he explain having that many checks? Buck hated himself for it, but he realized that he was going to have to hunt the second most dangerous game: Child.

The chapter wasn't long enough yet, so Buck decided to arm himself. Obviously if the kid saw him approach with a gun, he would run away, so Buck would need something less conspicuous.

"What do kids trust?" Buck had some ideas, but he didn't have much in the way of child-friendly weaponry in his house.

"If that kid is going to get me in trouble with check fraud, I might as well do some check fraud myself, and get something expensive."

So Buck made his way to his local Black Market, like a grown-up.


	4. Everyone gets hit in the Crotch

"Ow! My crotch!" yelled a man.

"My crotch too!" yelled a woman.

They turned to each other and yelled, "Both of our crotches!"

The crowd was in an uproar and a panic as the below-normal-eye-level Preston ran through it. Screams filled the air, but Preston kept on running and punching crotches.

"Hey guys! He just hit my crotch too!" shouted a gentleman called 'Juice', whose name would come up again later.

"I'm so riiiiiich!" he bellowed, eating another check. The money was really working out the soreness from his legs.

"Stop right there!" shouted a policeman, who picked Preston up by the shirt collar. "That is super disruptive behavior, and I'm not going to tolerate it! I'm arresting you!"

"Would some money change your mind?" asked Preson, winking.

"I'm not turning this book and/or movie into some social commentary about our police force!" the policeman snarled. "Get in the car!"

He threw Preston into the open back door of the police car. The policeman was very strong, and quite good at throwing.

As the car door slammed shut, Preston looked around for some way out. He tried the handles, if there are in fact handles in the back of a police car. They didn't work, if they exist. He tried the handles on the outside of the car, which did exist. They worked! But the doors were locked, to keep people out. The car's woop-wooper was on the policeman's keys, so Preston couldn't use that to open the doors. He was going to have to pick the lock.

"It's okay, everyone! I got him. You can lower your guards again." came the policeman's voice from outside the car. The policeman got in, and the car began to move.

Preston had never picked a lock before, but how hard could it be? He didn't have a lockpicking tool set, but he did have one very important piece of equipment..

"Hey, lock! How would you like two _thousand_ dollars?" asked Preston, as the police car merged onto the highway. The lock thought for a few moments, and then popped open. Preston reached through the window and opened the outside handle, and the door swung open.

"So long, Officer Chump!" Preston howled, his voice fading from the officer's ears as Preston hit the ground and started to roll. Preston wasn't worried. His money would fix his injuries.

OH! Also, the piano store said they would deliver it next week. I know you've been wondering about that.


	5. A Day at the Lake

Preston rolled and rolled, slowly shedding the highway speed from the police car. He skidded to a stop, got up, and emptied the gravel from his pockets. He was covered in cuts again, but he had to get moving, in case the policeman noticed that he was out of the car.

He ran down a hill, and into some trees. He kept jogging, and there kept being more trees. Soon, the trees were thick enough that the sunlight was having a hard time getting to the ground. Preston wasn't sure he knew where he was anymore. He stopped, near a particularly large tree, and looked around. Every direction looked the same to him. Was he tree-racist, or just lost? He nervously ate another check.

Preston knew that if he didn't get moving, he'd never get home to see if his piano had been delivered. He picked a direction and ran. He was still not an amazing runner, but his endurance had improved impressively since yesterday. He weaved through the trees until he saw another particularly large tree.

"Is this the same stupid tree?" Preston asked the forest at large. He couldn't believe how tree-racist he was being. He looked around the tree, and saw his same dumb kid footprints.

"I'm racist and I'm lost!" he yelled.

Suddenly, he heard a light twinkling noise from behind him. "Tee hee!" Preston spun around, but didn't see anything. "Over here! Tee hee!" Preston turned again, but still couldn't see anyone.

"Behind you."

Preston turned again to see a tiny little woman, no bigger than his hand. She had tiny wings like a bug, and was fluttering at his eye level.

Preston jumped back, for fear that she would sting him.

"Don't be scared, young racist! I won't hurt you!"

Preston relaxed. "Oh! Well, thank you for that. Hi, I'm Preston!"

"Hi, Preston!" said the bug lady. "My name is Chrysanthabuzz. I need to tell you that you are destined for greatness, and my people need you! Will you help us?"

Preston, being the good-natured kid that he was, agreed instantly.

"That's great news! Follow me!" And she flew away, fast, up, and to the East.

Preston took off after her, but in seconds, it became painfully obvious that he wasn't going to catch her. Just then, something caught his eye.

"Oh hey!" said Preston. "A lake!"

Preston jogged over, feeling just great. He got to the shore, and laid down in the sand. Everything was perfect, until his stomach began to rumble. He had eaten nothing but checks since yesterday at lunch!

"TOOOOOOOOOT" yelled a nearby boat. "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT"

Preston looked at the boat, floating close to the shore. "Chuckle's All-You-Can-Eat Boat" was spray painted on the side of it.

"Hot butts!" Preston exclaimed, and swam out to the boat. He hooked his waterproof backpack, with the checks in it, onto the railing, and pulled himself up.

"What a strong boy!" said the man on the boat. "I hope you have a strong appetite!"


	6. Preston Can't Stop Eating

Preston couldn't believe his luck! A buffet boat with a friendly man on it!

"You must be hungry! Please come this way!" said the man. Preston followed him to a stunning ballroom further into the ship. Along the way, they passed the engine room, the kitchen, the dungeon, the laundry room, the catacombs, the brig, and backup kitchen, and the backup catacombs.

"My dear sir," said Preston. "Could you tell me the history of this boat?"

"Certainly not!" replied the man. "Have a seat!"

"Sensational." said Preston. He approved very much of this boat. The waiter brought him a Leading Brand Cola, and showed him where to load up his plate. Preston filled plate after plate, and washed it all down with the delicious cola.

Morning became night, and night became ultra-night, and Preston was still eating. The man couldn't believe it! Except that he could believe it! Because this was no ordinary All-You-Can-Eat Lake Buffet Boat! This was a very sinister All-You-Can-Eat Lake Buffet Boat, and Preston was about to keep having been biting off more than he would previously have not been unable to chew. Or so he thought!

Preston had passed out while eating, but that didn't stop him! It was time for a plate of shrimp, and Preston couldn't say no to shrimp! He sleptwalk over to the shrimp, and piled them high on his plate, then turned to carry his plate back to his table.

"Mua-ha-ha-ha!" cackled the man. "Everything is going according to plan."

Preston hesitated, then sleepturned back to the buffet table and put one more shrimp onto his plate.

"I'm ruined! Yelled the man!" and he pulled a can of gasoline from his trunk, and started pouring it all over the boat. Preston woke to the sound of a match being lit.

"What's going on? Why does it smell funny in here?" Preston shouted in alarm, over his giant pile of warm half-eaten seafood.

"I'm burning down the boat!" shouted the man, who was also laughing.

"Oh, okay." said Preston, his voice muffled by the delicious shrimp he was eating at double speed.

Preston decided to get some imitation 'krab' meat to go. He took the styrofoam box, and left the dining room. He passed the various rooms I mentioned earlier, and found himself on the boat's majestic bow. The sight before him made him stop and fan himself with his box of 'krab' meat. Before his eyes, leaning against the very bow-est part of the ship, was the most beautiful adult woman that Preston had ever seen. She was eating 'krab' out of a to-go box as well.

"Sir!" said Preston to the man, who was still pouring gasoline out of the deceptively small gas can. "Who is that angel on the ship's bow?"

"My dear boy, that part of the ship is called the Front Bit! And that adult woman is Shay, the queen of my magnificent boat!"

"I must have her!" gasped Preston, gasping for air. Was this love? Was this an acute allergic reaction to shrimp? Perhaps… both?


	7. Shay gets Seduced by a Kid

The man shoved Preston in Shay's direction, and Preston stumbled toward her, romantically.

"Hi, miss. Shay, right?"

"Yes, that's right!" whisper-yelled the man.

Preston turned to scowl at the man, and Shay replied, "Yup, that's me. What's your name, little boy? Are you lost?"

"I'm Preston, ma'am, and this is Big Preston," he pointed to his crotch, "and we're right where we want to be."

"Oh! Such a charmer!" she swooned.

"Wanna go on an adventure? I have a belly full of shrimp, but I don't usually get the toots too bad."

"Sure!" she said. So they hopped over the railing, into the water, right as the boat exploded. The fire raged above them, creating a dazzling light show over the surface of the water for what seemed like seconds, but was actually minutes. It was a good thing for them that Preston was so rich.

When the fire died down, they swam up, and walked onto the beach.

"Where's your car?" Shay asked.

"I don't have one." said Preston. "I'm 10. We have to run there."

So they found the road, and ran to town. After about 15 miles, Shay's shoe broke, so they walked for a bit. Soon, they saw a man standing up ahead with a sign, by the side of the road.

"Shoes For Sale" read the sign. Perfect!

"Hi, I need new shoes. Mine broke." Shay said to the road person.

"Exquisite!" said the road man, who we'll call Timothy. I don't think we'll have an opportunity to learn his name. "I happen to sell shoes. But they come at a great price!"

"Great, like big? Or great like 'Wow! What a deal!'?" asked Shay.

"Great, like 'I don't know if I can afford this', so like 'big', I guess." Timothy replied.

"Well, I do need some shoes. How much for these?" This was Shay talking. If you read that as Shay, you did it right.

"One hundred dollars… and your soul!" Timothy cackled.

"My soul?" Shay asked, shocked and temporarily dropping the shoes.

"When you shop at Freddy's Shoes, you get the best, but you have to pay." explained Timothy.

"And your name is Freddy?" Preston piped up.

"Fool! My name is Quigley!" said Quigley, who was no longer Timothy.

Shay and Preston gasped. Quigley had really gotten the drop on them.

"What if I gave you… _two hundred dollars,_ and we keep our souls?" asked Preston.

Quigley's eyes turned into dollar signs, and he shouted, "It's a deal! You all heard him! And there will be NO takebacks!"

So Preston wrote him a check, and Quigley quickly walked over to his car, and deposited the check on his car phone.

Shay put on the shoes, and they took off running again, towards town. As they ran, they could just barely hear Quigley yell, "You haven't heard the last of me!"

Preston laughed, and said, "I bet we have!"


	8. Here Come the Police!

Shay and Preston continued running down the road. After a few more miles, they arrived in downtown. Preston ate a few more checks as they looked around for something fun to do.

Shay pointed to a banner hanging on the front of City Hall, that said "Sexy Police Stripping Competition - TODAY"

Preston thought that it seemed like a great first date idea, so he agreed, and in they went. The event was already underway. The policeman on stage was doing a pretty good strip, but you could tell that he felt silly being up there. Shay and Preston filled their plates with food at the buffet, and found seats near the front of the room.

The policeman finished up his dance, and the crowd applauded politely.

Another song came on over the speakers, and a new policeman walked out on stage. He started to dance. Preston looked over at Shay, to find that she was quickly becoming transfixed on the dance. He looked back to the stage. The policeman was beginning to strip really hard. Much harder than the previous officer. Preston was astonished.

Preston stood up to go refill his drink, and noticed that the ice cubes in his glass were shaking, and his glass was slowly drifting across the table. In disbelief, he looked back up to the stage, for some hint at what was going on. The officer was stripping so aggressively that the paintings on the wall were falling, and some people were hiding under their tables.

"This is insane! He's gonna hurt someone!" Preston yelled to Shay. She was still totally spellbound by this mind-blowing display of strippery.

Drywall and ceiling tiles were starting to crumble and fall. The officer was stripping so hard that Preston swore he could feel his own soul leaving his body.

"You have to stop! You're going to kill us all!" yelled Preston over the noise.

Suddenly, the officer stopped stripping, except for what was necessary to remove his disguise. It was Quigley!

"I've got you now, boy! And you two can't date anymore! It's gross!" yelled Quigley, as he removed a small box from his Stripper's Fanny Pack. He turned the box upside down to shake out its contents. It was full of ghost wolves, and they were aimed at Preston! This broke Shay's trance.

"Great Caesar's ghost!" she shrieked, and they both ran for the door.

"I can't believe how haunted this place became!" Preston remarked.


	9. The Bounce House Labyrinth

Preston and Shay sprinted from the haunted building. They could hear the ghost wolves howling behind them. The wide open parking lot offered no places to hide, and the wolves were closing in.

Preston looked over his shoulder, but he lacked discipline, and tripped over a speed bump. He hit the ground face-first, and his backpack full of checks flew over his head and off of the one shoulder he carried it over, 90's-style. It clattered to a stop several Preston-distances away from him. Preston rolled onto his back to see his pursuers approach, but he was already surrounded

"We've got you now, human!" growled the closest wolf.

"I'm too rich to die!" sobbed Preston.

"You're rich? Well, why didn't you say so?" growled the second closest wolf.

"Why would we kill someone who was rich?" growled the third closest wolf, who was approaching, and was nearly the second closest wolf.

"You'll let me go, then?" asked Preston, looking at the second closest wolf, who had circled around to the other side of him, leaving Preston unable to accurately rank the distances of the various wolves.

The closest wolf, who was, until recently, the 9th closest wolf, lunged out and bit him on the leg.

"Ow!" yelled Preston.

"Stop that!" growled the 5th closest wolf, who Preston hadn't noticed before, but who was unmistakably closer to him than the 4th closest wolf.

"I'll give you money to leave me alone!" said Preston.

"It's a deal!" growled the 3rd closest wolf, approaching from Preston's right.

But Preston couldn't reach his backpack from here! It looked like it was curtains for him!

"HYEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Shay, as she leapt out from behind a car. She delivered a flying knee straight to the 4th closest wolf's brain. These ghost wolves didn't have skeletons, so there was nothing to protect their fragile brains, and so wolf after wolf dropped dead to Shay's furious knee strikes.

"You saved me!" cried Preston. Shay shook the ghost wolf blood from her hands, and threw him the backpack.

"Let's get out of here, you hot friend!" said Shay, since the police had told them they couldn't date anymore. This is canon.

They ran toward the safe part of town, and took a shortcut through a playground. Preston was noticing how fun the swings looked, when he tripped again, and accidentally bought a bounce house, inflated it, and got stuck in it. Shay jumped in after him.

It was fun and safe, but soon, Preston was worried that it was stifling his creativity, and he wanted to get out. Preston tried to find his way out, but the bounce house was more complicated than he had thought, and he lacked discipline.

"I can't get out!" yelled Preston.

"Don't worry, I'll save us… AGAIN." said Shay. She tried bouncing differently, but it didn't work, and she was stuck in the bounce house too.

Like lightning hitting a weather balloon, Preston's mind was filled with an idea. If he could use his money, he might just be able to...YES. He returned the bouncy house and used the store credit to buy a bouncy castle. Every castle needs a king, a position which defaulted to Preston, the only male resident. Now that he was king, he was in control! Preston bounced to the wall, grabbed it with both hands, and ripped it to shreds. Like a balloon being untied and released, the bouncy castle deflated and flew off, away from them.

"You owe me one, friend!" said Preston.

"I'll save you from some ghost wolves in the past, then!" said Shay, and she did.

"Thanks!" said Preston. They had a good thing going.

His close scrapes with death had scared him, and he knew he needed to plan ahead for if something truly bad happened to him. It was time for some… Fiscal Responsibility!

 _AN: What a cliffhanger!_


	10. Starting a company for tax benefits

Preston was no fool. He knew that when the tax bombs started falling, he'd need a tax shelter, stocked with rich people food that wouldn't perish, like gold boullion, which would help him make gold soup.

"But what to make my secure fortress out of?" he wondered, speaking out loud instead of in his brain, so that Shay would know he was thinking hard about real world concerns. Then it hit him.

"Ow!" Preston said, "it just hit me! I'll build my fortress from ATMs, so that even underground, I can get the money I need."

He folded his check into a small origami rose, and planted it gently into the soft soil beneath him, chanting the magic words, as he walked to a payphone, searched for a contractor in the yellow pages, and called them for an estimate.

"YEAH WHAT" said the angry, slightly Bostonian payphone.

"I'm looking for a contractor to build a fort for my girlfriend who isn't in this chapter, as well as myself" Preston said, "and my budget is eyes with dollar signs."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO SOONER, ONCE I HAVE THE MONEY, YOU CAN FUGGADEBOUTIT" the payphone yelled.

Preston carefully used the holes in the handset of the phone to grate two checks into smaller chunks, which made coin jackpot sounds as they passed through the phonelines. He felt a rumbling in the ground behind him, as a large Spanish Galleon emerged from the ground.

"THEYR YE GO" the inconsistently-accented payphone mumbled at him "THIS OUGHT TA PROTECT YE 'GAINST ANY UNEXPECTED TAXES, AS WELL AHS KEEP YOU AFLOAT ON ALL YOUR LIQUID ASSETS."

"But I'm just a kid, I can't pilot a large galleon, especially one with two masts! That would take at least...7 deckhands!" Preston mused nautically.

"KNOT MY PROBLEM ANY-MOOR, KID" the payphone seafully punned, and hung itself up.

Preston nibbled on a check dejectedly. With a heavy heart, he placed a small, but potentially plot-crucial, parcel of checks in the treasure chest within his tax shelter. Whatever happened, he knew those checks would be safe, along with his smaller treasure chest full of doubloons.


	11. Bankruptcy

Preston excused himself for a bit, and took a walk. He had been through a lot, but he had a ton of energy from his recent success. He remembered his piano! It had probably been delivered!

His walk became a run, and then soon became a series of jumps as he made his way downtown. People passed him, and he was homebound.

He skidded to a stop outside a shop window, where they were selling action figures from the brand new movie, Schindler's list. Preston was a bit of a collector, and he saw that they had the one that he was missing, Helen Hirsch. He turned to run in the door when he saw Juice, whose name had come up again.

POW! Juice kicked him in the crotch so hard he crashed through the second floor window, above the shop.

"Ha HA!" yelled Juice. "Right in the Funky Cold Medina! Nobody messes with Tone Loc! I mean 'Juice'! Buy my album!" Juice ran off.

Preston was curled in a ball on the floor of the room above the shop.

"Ow! My parts!" he moaned in pain.

"Who's there?" came a voice through the door.

Preston looked around in terror. He was in the shop's storeroom, and there was a lot of expensive movie memorabilia around him. If he got caught in here, it could be curtains for him!

The door burst open, and a man appeared, escorted by two policemen.

"That's him, officers! The punk that broke into my shop! He's robbing me right now, probably!"

Preston got whacked with a police baton, handcuffed, and taken straight to court.

"Didn't even bother to wear a suit today?" bellowed the judge. "Insolence! I declare you bankrupt!"

So Preston was taken to debtor's prison, and thrown into a debtor's cell. That night, he cried, because his life was over. This was going on his permanent record for sure! He was going to have to become a drifter!

Preston drifted off to sleep, showing impressive follow through. In his dream, he was sitting at a cafe, talking to his best friend, Henry. They talked about kid stuff, like bugs, and sandwiches, and the economy. Then, the conversation took a turn for the serious.

"Preston," said Henry. "You've got to do what you're good at. If you've got a gift, it's your responsibility to use it, right?"

"You're right!" said Preston, and woke himself up. He got out of bed, opened his cell, and went to the prison store. "One shovel, please! I'm...umm...gardening!"

"Sir, this is a children's debtor's prison. You can't possibly have any money." said the lady running the store, Jayne Atkinson, who was also in Free Willy. Preston was a bit star-struck, but he held his composure and maintained his dignity.

"But I do have money!" said Preston, triumphantly holding up a check.

Jayne's eyes turned into dollar signs, and she handed over the shovel.

Preston went back to his cell, and began to dig his way to freedom. A guard walked by to see what he was up to, but it was clearly gardening.

"You have to plant these yams nice and deep! I love me some yam!" Preston hollered up from his hole.

The bottom of the hole then collapsed into a cavern.


	12. Preston vs the Mole People

Preston fell for what felt like exactly twelve feet, and landed square on his butt. His backpack full of checks fell a second later, and landed on his head.

"Ow! My head and butt!" yelled Preston. His voice echoed in the pitch black underground cavern. He dug blindly through his backpack, in hopes of something that would make some light. Anyway, the chapter title gave it away, there are mole people. Here they come.

"Hey, we're the mole people! What are you doing in our cavern?" one or all of them demanded.

"Ow! My head and butt!" came Preston's echo. How embarrassing!

"I fell down, when I was digging my way out of…" Preston paused. He didn't want to tell them that he had been in prison.

"Prison!" Preston finished. Oops.

"Oh, you must be cool!" said Gus, the littlest and most impressionable mole person. Gus threw Preston a headlamp.

Preston put on the headlamp, and now nobody was having trouble seeing. "So you guys live down here, then?"

"Yup! It's cozy." said Gus.

"Gus, honey?" said Gus's mom. "Since you're talking to the human, why don't you just be our king?"

"Okay, Mom" said Gus, and he became the King of the Mole People.

"I was a king once!" said Preston.

The mole people gasped. "King of where?"

"Ow! My head and butt!" Preston's voice echoed again.

The mole people giggled. Once they stopped, Gus's mom asked again, "King of where?"

"I had a really big bounce house, shaped like a castle!" said Preston, and pulled it out of his backpack. Remember, he ripped it apart with his kid hands, so the fabric was pretty thin.

"That's so cool!" said Gus. "I've always wanted a bounce house!"

"Actually, I think I want you to have it." Preston said, and he patched up the rip with some checks and bubble gum, and reinflated it.

The mole people could barely contain their excitement, and they all ran inside, and became stuck.

"The perfect crime!" Preston said to himself, as he walked out of the cave. He twirled his shovel and snacked on some checks.


	13. 15 Murders in 15 Minutes

Hey, what's up? It's me, the narrator. I totally forgot that Buck had gone to the Black Market to get kid hunting weapons! That was like 10 chapters ago! Anyway, he just got there. It was clear across town, and, you know, traffic? But he's there now, a little bit stressed from how long it took, but he's fine. He's had a rough day, but he's got some inner peace, and his chakras are LINED UP.

Anyway, Buck walked to the first booth at the black market. It was run by a lady that was dressed as a spooky mummy. Buck didn't want to get too close, because he was scared of mummies. From where he stood, it looked like the booth sold rusty old metal books, full of Egyptian curse words. They were scary, but Buck didn't think that books full of curse words were appropriate for use around children. He moved on.

The next booth was run by two men dressed as Draculas. They sold cleaning supplies to get rid of blood.

"You never know when you're going to need to clean up a lot of blood!" said the left Dracula.

"You're right!" exclaimed Buck. "I'll take one jug!" He pulled out his checkbook, and wrote the Draculas a check.

"Do you have your I.D.?" asked the Dracula on the right.

"Of course." said Buck, and pulled it out.

"Is this you?" asked the right Dracula. "It doesn't really look like you."

Buck looked at it, and was startled to see that his I.D. now had a picture of Preston instead of him! He had been Identity Thefted! His rage grew.

Careful not to let the Draculas see him startle, he coolly said "It's been a while since I had my picture taken."

"Wait a second!" said the Dracula. "I think this guy is trying to write us a phone check! You're not getting any of this jug!"

"WHAT!?" Buck asked incredulously.

Meanwhile, Shay and Preston had met up again, and they found a rocket ship.

"Neat!" said Shay. "Hey, should we date again? Even though that guy said we shouldn't?"

"Count me in!" said rad 90's kid, Preston Watters.

They climbed aboard, and started exploring.

"Wouldn't it be cool if this ship worked?" asked Preston.

"Maybe it does!" said Shay, voice full of wonder. "But maybe it's out of gas?"

Back at the Black Market, Buck was trying and failing to find a booth that would sell him weapons with his phony looking I.D. He was getting madder and madder, but then he found a guy dressed as a caveman who sold dinosaur outfits and clubs, who didn't even ask about I.D.! The caveman was loading Buck's purchase into bags, when one of the Draculas ran by and yelled, "That's the guy with the fake I.D.! Don't sell to him!"

Buck's rage grew again, and he decided that he couldn't take it anymore. All he wanted was revenge on this kid who had ruined his life, and these jerks were making it impossible. He just snapped. He grabbed one of the clubs that he had bought, and started to spin. He spun faster and faster, until the world became a blur around him. When he finally stopped spinning, he looked around and saw that everyone else at the Black Market was murdered as heck. Buck helped himself to the good stuff.

Back in the nice part of town, the rocket roared to life around Preston and Shay. Oh no! It must have been powered… by murder! They ran for the exit, but this time it was Shay who lacked discipline, and she didn't make it out in time! The rocket flew into the air, getting higher and higher. Before long, it was too high for Preston to see.

"All I wanted was to be a rich 10 year old, and date an adult woman!" yelled Preston, falling to his knees.

Quigley poked his head out of a bush nearby, and yelled "You can't date each other! It's gross!"

Then, after a short pause, Quigley yelled "Help! I'm being unborn!" and he faded out of existence, forever.


	14. Shay gets stuck on the Moon

Shay flew higher and higher in the rocket. Soon, even the Earth became a distant blue speck in the enormous void of space, but the rockets kept roaring. The ship was a wonder of modern engineering, and was definitely airtight, but even the world's greatest minds hadn't come up with a gravitytight ship. Shay watched, helplessly, through the window, as the gravity seeped out of the seams of the ship's hull, and swirled out into the nothingness. She thought about the rockets, tearing through the night sky. Even though there was no sound in space, she bet that it was pretty loud.

As the ship continued to accelerate, the stars became streaks, stretching across the night sky, and the view out of the window slowly began to show the entire spiral of the Milky Way, moving slowly into the distance. This was the furthest that Shay had ever been from home.

She floated over to the controls at the front of the ship. A thought occurred to her. "Isn't it funny how this end of the ship used to be the top, but now it's the front? It just goes to show you that any side of anything can become the front if you just point it differently!" she thought.

"Wouldn't it be weird if that was foreshadowing?" she said aloud to herself.

"Wait! I can hear myself talk! I must be near the moon!" she cried in horror.

Shay sprint-floated to the steering wheel, cranked it all the way to the right, and she wrenched the J-Brake. This was definitely a jemergency. The rocket rotated 180 degrees, and was now pointed back in the direction it had come from. It's a good thing she did too, because the rocket just barely had time to decelerate and come to a complete stop, inches before it ran into the moon. A perfect landing! She fell to the floor, exhausted, and because there was gravity again.

She stood up, and looked at the instrument panel in more detail. There was a 'GO' button. That one seemed like an obvious choice, but when she pushed it, there was a 'ding!' sound, and a light above the gas gauge flashed.

A scrolling line of lit-up green text just below the flashing light displayed "Out of MurderGas - Do More Murders"

Do more murders? But she was alone up here on the moon! She didn't have anyone to murder! Shay sat down to think about her predicament. Where was she going to get someone to murder?

Just then, a thought occurred to her. The ship's instruction manual! She rummaged around in the ship's cabinets until she found it. She decided to blast her quads while she read. She turned to the chapter about the fuel system, and taking full advantage of the fact that there was sound again, she read aloud, "The ship is powered by murder, but to keep things clean, the murder doesn't have to occur on the ship. The ship can harvest MurderPower from an area around the ship, scaling with how severe the murder is."

This gave her pause. "The ship should still work." she said. "I know I'm a long way from home, but, Detroit, right?" she looked at the SpacePaper, which was like a NewsPaper, but for space. The front page headline read, "Detroit Pistons make it to the NBA Finals!"

"Curse those handsome devils!" Shay grunted, still blasting her quads.


	15. Buck's Revenge

Buck was shocked at what he had done, but when he saw how many experience points he had just earned, his horror turned to excitement. He leveled up his charisma and jumping power, and started heading back across town with his new club, to look for Preston.

For all he knew, Preston had just lost the love of his young life to outer space. He had no idea how to get her back. He sat down on the curb, remembering that if he ever got separated for an adult, he should stay where he is. After waiting for a few hours, however, he started to get hungry, and set off in search of food.

"Time for some appetizers!" said Preston to himself. He reached into his bag, grabbed a handful of checks, and stuffed them into his mouth. They were exactly as delicious as he expected them to be. After some brief chowing down, Preston had an idea.

"What about NASA? They're still being funded pretty well!" he thought to himself, before switching direction to run toward the local NASA office.

Meanwhile, several light years away, Shay was still on the rocket ship. She asked the ship's computer how much air was left on board, and it turned out to be enough for us to not worry about it. She explored the ship some more, and found some potato chips. She sat down on the floor and started eating.

Buck was stuck in traffic again, and it was looking like it was going to take him another 10 chapters to get back. Traffic was completely stopped! Zero kilometers per hour, which is even slower in the American distances to which he was accustomed. He honked his horn a couple of times and got generally stressed. Just then, he saw a kid running across the highway.

"Oh please be him." Buck said to himself.

Good news, Buck! It's Preston! Go get him!

Buck abandoned his car and started running after Preston. He looked in some of the other cars, and they were empty. No wonder traffic wasn't moving! He'd have to investigate that later. He pulled a notepad out of his pocket and wrote "Definitely make sure to figure out why there are so many abandoned cars on the highway. DO NOT FORGET!" and underlined it twice. Since he was running, it was pretty sloppy writing, but he was pretty sure he'd be able to read it later. He put the note back into his pocket.

After a couple of minutes of chasing, he caught up to Preston, and grabbed him by the shirt.

"Now, I've got you!" he proclaimed. "Give me my checks back, and apologize to the people you've check frauded!"

"Never!" shouted Preston. He needed the power of money to get Shay back. Preston kicked Buck in both shins at once.

"Ouch! Both of my shins!" yelled Buck, as he dropped Preston. He reached for his club in the passenger seat, and grabbed it.

"Take this!" yelled Buck, and totally clubbed Preston, who was a child, in his kid belly, so hard that his bones were like "Aww, come on!".

There was a record-scratching sound, and a crowd that Buck hadn't noticed before fell speechless. They couldn't believe that Buck had just clubbed this kid in his adorable tummy.

One man from the crowd yelled, "Get him!", and the crowd aggressively dogpiled Buck. Was it worth it, Buck? Probably, for that sweet revenge, am I right?

"Yup!" said Buck from the bottom of the pile. "Totally worth it."

Prestons bones mended back together, and he stood up. He was feeling just fine. Surprised, but fine.

"No consequences!" he yelled, and continued running. NASA had to be around here somewhere.


	16. Preston gets the Worst Gas

Shay was getting full from the potato chips, but her walks around the rocket ship had turned up nothing interesting. The ship was fairly small, compared to somewhere more interesting. She wasn't going anywhere any time soon, so she decided to do some vigorous calisthenics.

Back on this side of the galaxy, Preston continued to run. He ran and ran until he finally found the local NASA office. He burst through the front door, and demanded to see the president of NASA.

The receptionist, Yvonne, stood up with a start, and exclaimed, "An out of breath child wants to see the president of NASA? Right this way!" and she ran with him straight to the president's office.

They climbed up several flights of stairs and ran down a hallway. Preston saw a door with a plaque on it that said "Bill Pullman - President of Space". As they approached it, the door opened, and who should step out of it, but the President of Space himself, Bill Pullman.

"Preston!" Bill Pullman shouted. They were still fairly far apart from each other, but as Preston and Yvonne approached, Bill's voice fell appropriately to an indoor-voice kind of volume. "I'm glad you're here! We've located Shay. Come into my office."

President Pullman threw his butt into reverse, and opened the door for them. Preston walked through, and Yvonne was like "Later, dudes!" and went back to guard the front desk.

President Bill Pullman had the biggest office that Preston had ever seen. The ceiling was trillions of light years above his head, and the walls must have been beyond the horizon, because Preston couldn't see them.

After a few moments of being completely awestruck by the office, Preston had a realization and said, "Oh, we're just on the roof." He turned to his new homeboy, Bill Pullman, and asked, "How did you know that I'd be here and looking for Shay?"

Bill replied, "Well, as you can see, I'm very high up at this company!" Bill paused for the audience's laughter to die down, and continued, "We noticed that our murder-powered spaceship wasn't in the parking lot this morning, so we followed the trail of rocket smoke until we found…" He trailed off, but pointed up into the sky. Preston followed where Bill was pointing, and he gasped!

From way up here on the roof, he could clearly see the ship on the moon, and Shay waving at him from the window. Preston reached up, but couldn't reach. He got up on his tip-toes, but it was no good. She was simply too far away.

He turned toward Bill, and said "Upsies?" Bill chuckled, but lifted him up into the air, and Preston reached toward the moon.

Meanwhile, on the moon, Shay was waving at Preston. She saw he was trying to reach for her, so she held her breath, and ran out of the ship. With the help of the moon's reduced gravity, she jumped, and in classic 90's slow-motion, was just able to grab Preston's hand! Bill and Preston pulled, and Shay fell from the sky, and the three of them collapsed together onto the floor of Bill's office. Shay was saved from certain doom!

The 3 of them had an impromptu parade down the next street over to celebrate. Everything was going great, and everyone was having a wonderful time, when Preston got the toots. They were the worst! He couldn't stop tooting! Everybody ran for cover, and Preston tried to run, but the toots just kept following. If you couldn't smell it, it'd look hilarious, but they could all smell it, and it was no joke. Just killer toots.

"Help! I've got the toots! I've got them so bad!" Preston yelled, and he jumped in a manhole to escape. He kept his butt underground and his head above, so the smell was contained, but now his toots were echoing! The sewer system, as I understand it from watching Ninja Turtles, is a series of giant tubes that are great for skateboarding and conducting sound, and boy, were they conducting sound!

Every time that Preston tooted, the sewers would resonate and before long, the whole city could hear his toots! To make matters even worse, the sound was making the sewers rumble and the ground was shaking! These were some serious toots!

These toots, you guys!

Preston's toots were unceremoniously disrupted by a series of 4 crashes, loud even compared to Preston's toots! It was a man on the back of 4 large dragons!

"I am Biderman!" the man shouted. "I have come to avenge my friend, Quigley! These were his dragons!"

He hastily added, "And you two shouldn't date! It's weird!"


	17. Quigley's Dragons

"It's not that weird!" Preston bravely yelled back. The man on the dragons couldn't possibly understand their relationship.

"It is, though!" yelled a 3rd voice from the bushes.

Preston whipped his head around to face the 3rd voice, but he didn't see anyone.

"Who's there?" Preston yelled.

"It is I, Quigley!" yelled the voice, right as Preston's super-loud toots stopped. In the sudden silence, Quigley felt like a little bit of a jerk for yelling, when it wasn't even loud anymore.

"Quigley? But I saw you disappear! You were unborn!" said Preston, confused.

"Fool!" Quigley retorted aggressively, stepping out from behind a tree instead of the bushes. "As I was being unborn, I repented all of my sins, and was saved by our lord and savior, Jesus Christ! I have become… BORN AGAIN! You'll have to do better than that to stop me!"

"What even, what…" said Preston, giving the old college try to understanding this situation.

Quigley's dragons lunged at him, but suddenly stopped. Preston flinched. The 3rd dragon punched him in the arm for flinching.

"NERD!" Quigley roared. And then they did battle. The dragons were huge and strong, but Preston was a nimble and precious little guy. The dragons pounced at him, but Preston dodged. The dragons kept lunging and biting, but after a lot of dodging and some sweet combat rolls, Preston managed to get some trees in between himself and the dragons. Unable to snap at him through the thick foliage, and completely forgetting that there were four of them, the dragons chased Preston around the trees in circles for a bit. Dragon 4 got tired of this, and rammed his head into tree after tree, uprooting them and flinging them away from the scuffle. "Wheeeeee!" yelled the trees, as they flew away. Dragon 4 looked a bit dazed from slamming his head into that many things, but he was still up and about. He stumbled around and made a silly face, and Preston couldn't help but giggle.

Dragon 2 took this opportunity to pounce on Preston. He grabbed Preston in his jaws (the dragon's jaws, not Preston's), and the other dragons closed in.

"Leave him alone, you brute!" screamed Shay, and she threw a rock. The rock struck Dragon 4 in his recently super-concussed head, and he fell over dead. This spooked the other dragons a bunch, and they dropped Preston and started to run away, but Quigley shouted, "No, dragons! I need you to kill that boy! It's super important to me!" So the dragons came back, but they were tired now from all the flying and running they had done. Biderman ran up to them and gave them all hugs to keep their spirits up. Dragon 1 saw Preston running away, broke out of his hug, and let loose with a huge blast of fire. "ROAST!" went the flames! The flame shot out of his mouth, straight toward Preston!

Oh no! Is this christian man going to have his dragons burn a boy alive? Is Biderman going to keep hugging the other dragons? Will the dragons return his affections? Does Shay have any more rocks? Is Bill Pullman still hanging around? Find out in the next chapter!


	18. Too Hot to Trot!

The fire streaked across the ground straight for Preston. In what seemed like more slow motion, it inched closer and closer, but it was going so fast that you might say that it footed closer, or even yarded! It was going fast! When the flame crossed grass, the grass turned instantly to ash. When the flame rolled over pavement, the pavement liquified. When the flame flowed over and into the open manhole to the sewer full of mega-farts, everything exploded. BOOOOOOOOOOM!

The flame's forward progress ceased, and the explosion roared upward, throwing ground and pavement into the air. Dragons 2 and 3 were completely destroyed, along with the affectionate Biderman. Dragon 1 felt super terrible about that.

Preston wasn't cool enough to resist looking at the huge explosion, so he turned around to see what all the fuss was about. Debris rained down around the battlefield, and the heat from the flames caused the air to go all wibbly-wobbly, but don't worry, it was simply an illusion from the heat.

Silently, Quigley, who was now without sin, and 100% guaranteed entrance to Heaven, snuck up behind Preston, and kicked him in the butt. Preston fell down. Dragon 1 took to the air, and grabbed Preston before he could get up. Dragon 1 held Preston up like a punching bag, and Quigley punched Preston over and over again.

"Leave him alone, you big brute!" Shay yelled again. She didn't have any more rocks, so she threw a bag of chips that she had found on the spaceship. It didn't go very far, and made a crinkling sound as it fell to the ground.

This looked like the end for Preston, but just then, Bill Pullman stepped out of the shadows.

"Preston!" he said. "It's at times like these, when everything looks its darkest, that you have to dig deep inside yourself and find your strength. You have to ask yourself, deep in your heart, am I gonna hang here and take these punches, or am I gonna say 'No! That's enough!' and do something about it?"

Bill Pullman went on to give the most inspirational speech that anyone had ever heard. Preston was inspired. He had had enough. He grabbed the last of the checks from his bag and stuffed them into his mouth. If he was going to die here, he was at least going to die rich!

As he swallowed, the ground started to rumble some more. The clouds parted, and a bright light shone down on Preston. Quigley froze in mid-punch, as did the rest of Preston's surroundings. An old man and his son walked down from the sky on stairs made of angels. Their skin was the very same color as yours, dear reader! You've been right all along!

"Preston." God spoke, in a deep voice with a boom to it that made everything seem alright with the world. "I've been watching you for some time now, and I am overjoyed that you are finally rich enough to join Jesus and me. It is time for you to become a god."

God touched Preston's forehead, and lightning arced over Preston's whole deal. He couldn't believe how rich he felt! God and Jesus climbed the angelic staircase to ascend back into Heaven. When they were at the top, Jesus turned back around and called out, "You know where to find us, Preston! Come hang out sometime!"

Time started back up again, and Preston was met with another bone-crunching punch from Quigley, only this time, it was Quigley's hand bones that crunched, like a big bowl of cheese poofs. Quigley shrieked, and looked at his hand in disbelief. He swung with his other hand, to be sure. It went CLANG! against Preston's super wealthy abs.

"I'm done with you!" yelled Preston. "I'll date whoever I want!"

Preston kicked Quigley, and he flew back into a tree. "It's gross though!" grunted Quigley. "She's like 3 times your age!"

"But I think she's neat!" yelled Preston, and he spun around, grabbed the dragon by the neck, and swung him down on Quigley, driving him into the ground like a nail into a board.

The dragon roared in surprise, and Preston almost missed hearing Quigley grunt out "I repent all of my sins!"

Preston sighed in exasperation, but turned toward the dragon. Dragon 1 was infuriated that Preston had killed his master and buddy, Quigley, for the second time. He lunged at Preston, sweeping him into his mouth, then blasting him with fire hot enough to melt steel beams.

Preston punched the roof of Dragon 1's mouth, and the monster's jaws lurched open. Preston jumped out, and as he landed, delivered another massive punch to the dragon's stomach. It lifted the dragon about 2 feet off the ground, then Dragon 1 fell back to the earth, and punched Preston right back. Preston flew backward, punching a Preston-shaped hole through a bus.

"Why didn't that obliterate him?" Preston asked himself, as he pulled himself back to his feet. "I'm a god now!"

But then, Preston remembered what he had learned from books; dragons love to hoard gold! This dragon must be incredibly rich! No wonder he was so strong.

Preston took to the air, and flew toward the dragon. He blasted the dragon in the eyes with blinding green money-lightning. The dragon roared in pain, and clutched at its eyes. Preston had him temporarily blinded. He grabbed the dragon, and flew upward as fast as he could. They flew higher and higher, until they were nearing the edge of the atmosphere. This was Preston's last chance to taunt the dragon before they ran out of air.

"Your gold is meaningless out here!" Preston yelled. "And you smell like a butt!"

Preston punched the dragon as hard as he could, and Dragon 1 went rocketing away from him at breakneck speed. Preston was just barely able to follow the beast's trajectory until he saw the dragon hurtle directly into the sun, with a large poof.

Preston flew back down to Earth, and landed where the fighting had taken place. He walked up to Shay, who was hiding in the bushes.

"What happened to that awful man and his dragons?" Shay asked.

"You didn't see any of that?" asked Preston.

"I've been in the bushes since I threw that bag of chips." she answered.

"Hmm." thought Preston. "I can play it cool, and not tell her that I'm a god now. The best relationships are formed on a foundation of secrets, right?"

"I guess the explosion got them all." said Preston.

"Thank goodness for your toots!" said Shay.

They both waved goodbye to Bill Pullman, and jogged off into the sunset.


	19. Preston buys Russia

Things looked good for Preston and Shay. They had been through a awful lot together. They had escaped an exploding boat, they had escaped from a pack of ghost wolves, escaped from a bounce house, and held hands on two different worlds at once. You could say that things were getting serious. It was time for Preston to start working on his credit, and what better way than to buy a house?

He and Shay kicked in the door of a realty company, and demanded to see a realtor. They heard and felt a rumbling, then a crack in the floor grew into a fiery chasm, from which rose Damian Waters, Preston's brother possibly. Or cousin? Preston wasn't sure, he didn't pay much attention to his family.

"Preston! My related buddy! Do you want to buy a house?" Damian's fiery chasm sealed as he walked toward the pair.

"You bet, brother from possibly another but still related mother! I'm rich now!" Preston replied.

"It's about time, family-boy!" exclaimed Damian. It was clear that neither of them knew how they were related to each other, but on the bright side, that meant that there was no conflict of interest with Damian selling Preston a house!

They hopped in Damian's totally rad Chrysler Sebring convertible, that he had won when he was on Wheel of Fortune. They drove to house after house, but there was always something about them that didn't sit well with Preston. Too old, too small, too murdery.

"Damian?" Preston asked. "Can you stop showing us murder houses, and take us somewhere a little more… fresh, I guess?"

Damian asked, "You don't like murder houses? Well, okay, I've got just the place."

So they drove clear across town in afternoon traffic. What a pain. They were winding through a neighborhood, when Preston yanked the J-brake, flipping the car twice, and bringing them to a screeching halt in front of 1415 Wooldridge Drive in Austin, TX. Preston checked his watch, and saw that their zip code was 78703. It was perfect!

"This is just an empty lot! You want to buy this?" asked Damian, quizzically.

"It's beautiful! There's so much room, and the grass is pretty nice too, I guess." Preston replied, super genially.

"But I thought you wanted a house. Are you going to just live in a tent?" Damian asked, even more quizzically.

"Check this out!" rapped Preston, as genially as he could. Preston jumped out of the convertible without even opening the door! What a man! He walked to the front of the property, held his arms out, and started yelling. Money lightning streaked down from the Heavens. The bright green bolts of valuable electricity blasted the ground with a deafening roar. Windows shook on the nearby houses, and the convertible slid to the other side of the street. Wind swirled around them, and from the ground rose a castle of a house, complete with a water slide.

Damian stepped out of the car so that his jaw could properly hit the ground, but he shrugged it off, and reassumed his calm 90's demeanor.

Shay, who was looking at a cute bird on the other side of the street, turned back to them once the rumbling and lightning stopped. "I love this neighborhood!" she said. "It's so peaceful! Oh! I didn't notice that castle house before. Can we live in it?"

"You bet your bottom dollar!" said Preston, turning over his shoulder to look at her, and pulling down his sunglasses so he could look over them. Little did he know that Steve Bing was looking out the window of his house across the street. He saw Preston's move with the sunglasses, and was inspired to make the hit 2003 film, Kangaroo Jack. But that's a story for another time.

"Do you want me to drop you off here, or drive you back to the realtor office?" asked Damian.

"We're good here, Fam-Bro!" said Preston, as he ran inside with Shay.

"Finally!" thought Preston. "Access to a phone!" He ran to the kitchen, picked up the phone, and dialed. As the rotary phone whirled and clacked the last number, Preston sighed happily and said, "I love that it's the 90's right now!" He walked over to a kitchen chair, and plopped down onto the kitchen chair, which was also in the kitchen, with him.

While all of the kitchen and chair action was going on, Shay was exploring the house. It had so many rooms! She picked the one with the best carpet, and claimed it as her own. She peed in all of the corners to keep predators away, and then walked over to the bed. She laid down, and picked up the phone on the nightstand, just in time to hear a voice on the other end say, "Congratulations, Preston! You are now the proud and handsome owner of a bouncing baby Russia!" From what Shay knew about landlines, all of the phones would be connected to the same conversation, and therefore, the Preston on the line must be the same Preston that she knew! Scandal!

Shocked, Shay jumped up from the bed, and sprinted down to the kitchen, to see Preston hang up the phone, and lean back in the chair.

"You bought Russia without discussing it with me?" she lady-bellowed.

"Girl, I'm so rich! I do what I want!"

Uh-oh! Relationship problems!


	20. The War to End All Wars

Shay stormed off with a huff, and went to the back yard. She climbed into Preston's Spanish Galleon that was floating in the pool, and she slammed the door.

Preston was worried. He had messed up bigtime. How was he gonna talk his way out of this?

Meanwhile, across town, Buck Wiggles was wiggling his was out (do you get it?) of the mass of people that had tackled him. The pile had been around for several hours at this point, and people were getting very sleepy. Buck had to be very careful to not wake everyone, or they'd just get right back on top of him. He wiggled and wiggled, and finally, after about 30 minutes of wiggling, his head poked out from the mountain of bodies. He gasped for air, and it felt cool and refreshing in his lungs. This is how it felt to be a free man.

He wiggled the rest of his body out of the pile, and found that he had lost a shoe somewhere in the pile. It was one of his two favorite shoes, but he couldn't risk going back into the pile to get it. Buck started walking away, but he froze. A horrible thought occurred to him. What if they used that shoe to Cinderella him, and figure out who he was? Could he afford _NOT_ to go back into the pile?

Both options were risky, but Buck made his decision. He took off his other shoe so he wouldn't lose it when he went back in. He hid it in the bushes, took a deep breath, and started wiggling back in to find his shoe.

Preston was now having a bubble bath and thinking. What could he do about his conflict with Shay? His money couldn't get him out of this, and as a kid, he didn't have much experience with girls or relationship issues. Preston made himself a beard out of bubbles to make himself feel wiser. Almost instantly, an idea came to him! He finished his bath, got dressed, and went downstairs and put a romantic comedy on the tv. There was no way that a woman would be able to resist watching a romantic comedy, right? Shay would be on the couch with him in no time!

Preston watched and watched, and he felt some feelings, but even as the movie came to a close, the couch remained Shay-less. He looked out the window, at the boat in the pool. Through the boat's window, or porthole, he could see her watching a movie on a couch in the boat's Captain's Quarters.

His plan had clearly failed, but the movie did give him some ideas. Preston laced up his running shoes and made a mad dash for the airport. Preston had done a lot of running in the past few days, but none of that compared to this. He was running and dashing as hard as he could. He got to the airport, and there was Shay, overwhelmed by his romantic gesture! They hugged and leaned in for a kiss, but suddenly, they both found themselves kissing a man on the cheek! It was Quigley!

"Nyaa ha ha haaaa!" chortled Quigley. "I renounced my sins again, right as you hit me with that dragon! I am born again… again!"

Quigley flourished his cape, and shoved the two lovebirds apart very hard, yelling, "Don't kiss! It's gross! Don't you see the age gap between you? She could be your mother!"

Shay was shoved into a pile of suitcases, and Preston was flung into a man surrounded by other men. The man with whom he collided was the ruler of the Soviet Union!

U-S-S-ARE-YOU-KIDDING-ME?

The Czar pulled himself to his feet, and looked around angrily. His eyes settled on Quigley, whose arms were still outstretched, holding his shoving pose. Quigley looked down his arm, toward the Czar, and noticed how colorful his shoulder was. He had gotten dressed in the dark, earlier, and had tied an American flag around him instead of his usual black cape! Oops!

The man pointed at Quigley and shouted, "America!? I declare ULTRA WAR!"

Ominous music started to play, and a voice came over the intercom stating that all flights had been cancelled. Out the window, tanks started rolling over the horizon straight toward them. Clouds started to form and darken, only they weren't clouds, they were blimps! War Blimps!

"You don't want to do this!" said Preston. "That man is terrible, but he doesn't represent all of America!"

"But he does!" said the Czar, who pulled out a gun and started shooting into the air to show that he was serious. "This is the war to end all wars!"

Quigley ran off in all the chaos, and they lost track of him. Preston, forgetting just how rich he was, jumped at the Czar, to try to wrestle the gun away. Preston, being a child, was massively outclassed by the Czar of the Soviet Union. The Czar started shaking Preston and slamming him against the wall. Preston found it to be very unpleasant.

Meanwhile, Shay was facing the other way, looking around the airport. There! She found what she was looking for!

"Leave him alone, you brute!" screamed Shay, and she threw a rock. It struck the Czar right in the noggin, killing him.

His bodyguards ran away, and all of the tanks and blimps turned around and retreated to the U.S.S.R.

Preston and Shay looked at each other in amazement.

Preston walked up to Shay and began, "He said that it was the war…"

"To end all wars!" Shay finished, her eyes twinkling in wonder.

"Did we really just bring about world peace?" asked Quigley, poking his head around the corner. "No more wars, ever?"


	21. Another War

Buck was still wiggling through the mass of slumbering bodies. "Wiggle wiggle wiggle!" he thought to himself with an air of seriousness. It was dark and hot in the pile of sleepy people crushing down on him. "My shoe has got to be around here somewhere!"

As he wiggled, he became increasingly thankful for his air of seriousness, in this otherwise airtight mass of cuddling. Pow! Distracted, he had bumped face first into his shoe, at full wiggling speed! With his shoe found, he turned around, so he could get out of this mound, and back on solid ground. He frowned. He had his shoe, but now it appeared that his other shoe had come off in the pile. He must have lost it on his way in. He wiggled back the way he came. About half way out, he found his shoe, and grabbed it. He was glad to have both of his shoes back, but now, both of his hands were full. His wiggling was about to get interesting.

His wiggling took on an almost sexual rhythm, and as he got closer to the exit, the sexiness increased. This gave the sleeping people around him some wonderful dreams, and most of them subconsciously forgave him for whatever he had done. By now, even you don't remember what he did. That's how good his wiggling got.

Buck emerged from the pile, and lay on the ground panting for a while. He stared up at the sky. He was free again. Once he got out of here, he would be safe. He walked over to the bush near where he had clubbed Preston in the tummy, and he retrieved his shoe that was hidden there. He put on his shoes, and began to jog Prestonward, to get his revenge.

Meanwhile, Preston, who was an invincible and incredibly powerful god, had just ended all wars forever. It would be the perfect time for shenanigans, if not for Quigley, who kept ruining his day. Preston turned to look at him. Quigley was doing a dance to celebrate the end of all war, and he was grinding against the wall hard enough to take the paint off. He paused when he saw Preston looking at him.

Preston didn't know whether to be mad at Quigley for nearly getting the country overrun by Soviet tanks and blimps, or thankful to him for being responsible for the end of all wars. Wait, Quigley shoved him and Shay! That was rude! Preston scowled at Quigley, who ran away, leaving a Quigley shaped puff of smoke where he had been standing.

Preston gave chase, and as he rounded the corner, he saw the Queen of England sprawled out on the floor. She had just been knocked over, and she looked mad.

"That man in the American flag cape just knocked me down, and spilled my tea!" she screamed. " I declare War on America!" but nothing happened. She looked around expectantly. "Where's the ominous music?" She demanded.

Preston, surprised, told her. "There are no more wars. We created peace by hitting the Czar of Russia in the head with a brick."

"Do you mean the USSR?" asked the Queen.

"Oh, right. It's 1994." said Preston.

"No." replied the Queen. "It is December 26th, 1991. This movie takes place in the past."

Preston blushed, "Oh, of course! Thank you, your honor."

The Queen, still enraged, shouted, "If I can't declare formal War anymore, I'll have to do it myself!" and she started striking Preston with her umbrella. "I'm going to hit you until we find that flag man!"

So they set off together to find Quigley and let the Queen hit him with her umbrella. After looking for a few minutes, they found Quigley hiding in the food court, pretending to be hamburgers. The Queen backed up a few paces, got a running start, and hit him with her umbrella so hard that he actually became a pile of hamburgers.

"YEEEEEHAAAWWWWW!" whooped the Queen.

"Do you feel better now?" asked Preston.

"I feel so alive!" she said. "It's time to dance!"

The intercoms crackled back to life and started playing "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, which had just come out. This was the best dance party that the Queen had ever had with Preston. As they danced, the Queen casually mentioned that England would not go to war with America, even if they were still able. It was a Boxing Day miracle!

Later, as Shay and Preston were leaving the airport to go home, they saw a big box wrapped up like a present. It had a tag on it that said, "For Preston". With all the excitement of the last few days, Preston had missed Christmas!

The box was heavy, but Preston picked it up and carried it as they jogged home.


	22. Preston vs Mecha-Preston

Shay and Preston walked up to their castle, and opened the door. They had only been gone for a few hours, but they had been in at least one war, and had jogged a pretty long way.

"That's weird, I thought I locked the door when I left." they both said.

"Jinx!" said Shay, and so Preston owed her a soft drink. It was late at night, so Preston told her that he would get it for her in the morning. They walked to their bedrooms and got ready for bed. As they turned down the sheets in their respective beds, they found that someone had peed the words "No sleeping together! - Q" onto approximately half of each bed.

"Ooh, that Quigley really steams my clams!" thought Preston, angrily, even though it was a pretty good prank.

They said goodnight to each other, and got some shuteye in the dry halves of their beds. It was gross, but they were pretty tired.

Preston had a dream that he was a fireman, and Shay had a sexy grown-up dream about doing her taxes correctly the first time. They woke up to some crashing sounds, coming from the living room.

"Crash! Crash!" went the living room! See? I told you!

Preston and Shay brushed their teeth really fast, and ran downstairs to see what the noise was. It was… nothing? They looked around, and couldn't see anything out of place or being smashed. They shrugged it off.

"Maybe someone is setting off December 27th fireworks?" Shay suggested.

"Oh no, our neighbors are idiots." groaned Preston, flopping down onto the couch. From his vantage point on the couch, he could see the present that was addressed to him, sitting under their Christmas 2: Christmas Harder Tree, which was near the fireplace.

"I'm Mecha-Preston, and you just got robo-punched!" said a strange metallic voice that seemed to come from nowhere.

Preston and Shay looked around for the source of the voice, but couldn't find anyone or anything that would have said it. Shrugging off yet another strange occurrence, Preston walked up to his present. He shook it a little, but couldn't tell what it was. A crackling, gently roaring sound filled the air. Slightly confused, Preston ripped off the paper, and opened the box, and was immediately super punched by the robot boy inside of it. Preston went flying, and Shay screamed.

The robot boy proceeded to wreck up the living room. He flipped over the couch, threw the tree into the fireplace, and broke all of the dishes that Shay had set out for the traditional Christmas 2 floor brunch. But there was something strange. It was all completely silent. Shay puzzled about this for a moment, until...

"I've got you now!" spoke the robot boy. "There is no escape from the area directly above my metal head!

Preston got back to his feet, and asked, "What in the heck? Why is there a robot wrecking the living room?"

Shay continued to scream, and the robot's head started to spin, shooting flames out of his mouth. A robotic laugh filled the air, and some robotic fire filled the drapes, the curtains, the blinds, and the decorative window tapestries.

Shay screamed again, but ran to the kitchen to get the extinguisher.

Preston lifted the couch with his godly strength, and smashed the robot over the head. The robot fell down, but was still doing pretty well.

"Oh no! My robo-butt! I am slain!" it robo-yelled, and it made a sound like a robot falling over.

It got up and lunged at Preston, and lifted him directly over his metal head. Preston squirmed, but he found that there was no escape.

Preston called down his money lightning, but he was indoors, so the lightning couldn't get in. It rang the doorbell, but Preston was a little busy, and Shay was still battling the robo-fire. Then, the lightning saw the outlet that you would plug outdoor Christmas lights into, and it had an idea. It went into the outdoor plug, through the wiring, to a living room power outlet, and zapped the robot right in the butt. The robot fell down, and Preston was free.

"Ha HA!" yelled the robot, still lying motionless on the floor. "You weren't expecting me to fake my own defeat! Eat my dust!" And the robot suddenly continued to lay motionless on the floor.

When Shay was done putting out the fire, she came over to stand next to Preston. "That was weird." she said. "Did it seem like the robot's voice was a little out of sync with its actions?"

Preston now understood what the robot's final words meant, and sprang into action. "Shay! Get the back door!" he hollered, as he lifted the motionless robot over his shoulder.

"AAAAAA! Glub glub glub glub!" robo-yelled the robo-boy.

Preston and Shay ran to and out of the back door, and ran over to the pool. As Preston approached the pool, the robot made motions to stand up and start running, but he was already airborne and flying toward the pool. This robot did not enjoy the pool, so it died.

Preston hopped into the pool to examine the robot and see what in the heck. On the robot's butt, there was an engraving that said "Biderman Industries".

"Blub blub blub!" said Preston, but then he surfaced and anngrily said, "It's Biderman again! Him and Quigley are just the worst! Come on! Come even on!"

Preston got out of the pool, and toweled off. He had made his decision. "I'm gonna go fight Biderman!"


	23. Preston vs Michael Jordan

Buck Wiggles continued to jog. Buck felt something strange in his pocket. He put his hand in and pulled out the strange thing. It was a note, in what looked like his running handwriting, and it was underlined twice. His handwriting was too bad to read, so he put it back in his pocket.

"It can't have been too important, or I would have written it better." he said.

Buck had been seeing a lot of people walking across the town, and he decided to follow them to see where they were going.

Meanwhile, Preston was doing some jogging of his own, and he was on his way to find and fight Biderman for trying to kill him.

Real quick, Shay wanted to stay at the house so she could clean up the big ol' mess that the robot made, so that's what she's doing right now.

Anyway, Preston jogged over to the industrial part of town, and weaved through block after block of factories, until he found the one he was looking for, Biderman Industries. With a loud "HIYAAAAAA!", he roundhouse kicked the lock off of the front gate, and then jumped the fence, and flew straight to the front door.

A guard waved to him. "What's up, Preston?"

"Just out for a jog, Dave!" Preston replied.

They bumped fists, and Preston went inside. He soon found Biderman's office. The double doors said "Pull", but Preston kicked them in. Inside, was a startled Biderman.

Preston turned it up a notch and yelled, "You jerk! Your shoddy robot almost burned down my house!" He walked up to the desk, pulled out a delicate lace glove from his pocket, and slapped Biderman on the cheek with it. "I challenge you to a duel!"

Buck Wiggles continued to follow the people through the streets, and past more abandoned cars. They were all walking into a big dome-shaped building, so Buck went in too. Buck loved domes. As he walked through the doors, he felt the dome's cool air conditioning on his face. "Jackpot!" Buck thought to himself.

Biderman stood from his desk, and delicately rubbed his cheek. He said, "I have been reading up on duelling law, and t turns out that I am allowed to choose when and how we fight. I choose right now, and I choose a basketball game. And _he's_ going to play for me!" Biderman pointed to a door, through which walked Michael Jordan.

"What!? That's preposterous!" exclaimed Preston, but he checked the laws too, and saw that everything was in order. They walked through a different door, and into a large basketball stadium, the seats filled with fans.

"Gulp!" said Preston.

As distracted as Buck was by the nice air conditioning, he realized that the building he was walking into was a basketball stadium. Buck loved basketball as much as he loved domes. Buck bought some popcorn, and took a seat. Buck loved popcorn too. This was turning into a good day for Buck.

Preston laced up his shoes, and headed out to the court. The ref blew the whistle and threw the jump ball. Michael Jordan won it easily, and started with the ball. He made Preston look quite the fool, as he dribbled by him and scored.

It was Preston's turn with the ball. Preston took a few steps, and was immediately called for travelling. Mike got the ball, and scored easily again.

A few minutes later, the score was 36-0. Preston was looking like he wasn't going to get his revenge, but he was determined, 90's determined, to succeed. He turned his hat around backwards, and it completely changed the dynamic of the game. Preston's play style had changed night and day from what it was, and now Preston was looking like he might make a comeback! Michael Jordan could see the fierce determination in Preston's eyes, and for a moment, he wasn't sure if he could hold onto his lead.

The halftime buzzer sounded, and the score stood at 6-52. Michael Jordan was way ahead, but he couldn't believe that Preston had scored on him at all. He looked out at the crowd, thirsty. He pointed at Buck, and yelled, "Hey! Do you have any extra water, or non-branded sports drink up there? I'm parched!"

Buck tossed him his water bottle.

"Thanks!" Michael yelled up to him.

In the 3rd quarter, Michael Jordan had the moisture that he needed to thoroughly humiliate Preston. In the first 10 minutes of the quarter, he had driven the score up to 123-8.

At this pace, Preston was going to lose pretty badly! He needed to tighten up his game. He got another hat, and put it on backwards, on top of his first hat. He had the ball, and dribbled it up the court. He got to the 3-point line and, feeling unstoppable, performed a jump shot. In slow motion, it flew toward the basket. It was a nasty brick, but if the ball bounced into the Bonus Bucket, the score would become tied, and Preston would have a chance to win! It flew off in the right direction, closer and closer to the Bonus Bucket! This was Preston's big chance!

The ball bounced straight into Michael Jordan's hands, who dribbled it up the court and dunked it hard enough to destroy that entire half of the stadium, injuring thousands.

The ref blew the whistle, indicating that with that goal, or 'Basketball Touchdown', the mercy rule had come into effect. The game was over and Preston had lost!

Michael Jordan walked up to Preston and said, "You know, kid? You showed real determination out there tonight. I admire your spirit. You know, when I was in high school, I failed math, but they still let me on the basketball team, and now look at me! I made you look like a big ol' chump! In your face, Preston!" and he pulled off his mask. It had been Quigley the whole time!

Preston's astonishment and rage overcame him for a moment, and the world seemed to stand still. The sounds around him stopped as well. Everything had stopped. Preston looked around, and saw the angelic staircase, descending from the sky, except it was now an escalator, and God and Jesus were leaning against the rails, drinking drinks with little umbrellas in them.

Before God could say anything, Preston cried, "Why do you keep letting Quigley come back? He's repenting his sins, but he keeps on coming back and making my life miserable! He almost brought America into a huge war earlier, and he just hurt thousands of people with that insane dunk!"

God tossed his empty cup onto the ground, and replied, "Heh, that was a pretty awesome dunk. Preston, I've got an entire universe to run. I have these rules set up to help me manage it. It's just me up there!"

Jesus cleared his throat.

"Oh, and Jesus. But he's kinda new still. Anyway, if Quigley repents his sins before he dies, he gets into Heaven. Like 100%. The angels that I've got running Heaven see him as the perfect soul, and they're going to go out of their way to make him happy. He's basically the pope at that point! If you want him gone, you're going to have to figure it out on your own."

And with that, God and Jesus each grabbed some of the Capri Sun's and orange slices that Preston's mom had brought for the athletes, got back on the escalator, and rode back to Heaven. Time started back up, and Quigley twirled his moustache. Preston kicked him in the junk, and ran straight home. As he ran, his anger subsided, and a plan formed in his mind. He knew what he had to do. He had to make Quigley… unborn!


	24. Time Travel and Poison

Preston ran all the way home from the gym without stopping. When he arrived, he rushed into his kitchen and grabbed the phone, and called his class bully. Once the call connected, he yelled, "Butch! I need your help!"

Butch sounded groggy. "What's going on, Preston? It's like 4 in the morning!"

Preston needed help right away, so he pressed on. "I need to go back in time! Can you help me?"

"Can it wait until morning?" Butch asked.

"No, man! I need to travel through time right now!" Preston couldn't believe how difficult Butch was making this.

"Ok, I think I know someone that I can call."

"Thank you, Butch! Call me back when you get through to them!"

Butch rolled his eyes and turned over to go back to sleep, but Preston's odd request had his mind racing. As he was unable to find his way back to the Sandman's grainy dreamland, he got up, walked to the kitchen and started looking through his rolodex. It wasn't long before he had a game plan, and started to dial his phone.

Preston was pacing back and forth, up and down his driveway. His pacing was disturbed by a loud popping sound, and a tall, famous looking woman standing in a puff of smoke at the end of his driveway.

"Mr. Waters, I hear that you need to travel back in time?" the woman asked, in a voice that compelled him to give her his attention.

"I do!" Preston exclaimed. "Did Butch call you?"

"He did. We were friends when we filmed the movie 'Hook' a few years ago, so I figured I could do him a favor."

With that, Preston realized who he was speaking to, and he fell right on his butt. It was Maggie Smith, who played both Granny Wendy in 'Hook' and Professor McGonagall from the 'Harry Potter' series (but you'll find out more about that, dear reader, in 2001!).

She continued, "I'll only be here long enough to send you back in time, and to justify this story being a Harry Potter crossover. That's how you get views. You want views, don't you?" She placed a time turner in his hand. "This will send you back one hour for every spin, and keep you there for 6 hours. After that, you'll return here, and give it back to me." She looped the time turner around his neck, and gave it a very impressive spin.

It whizzed and whizzed, and Preston watched time reverse itself around him. His castle house sunk back into the ground in the middle of a reverse lightning storm, and soon after, the other houses in the neighborhood became unbuilt. All at once, he was in a backwards explosion, which cleared away to form an old house. He was in a closet, in a bedroom, and time slowed to a stop, then resumed its normal direction.

Two consenting adults ran into the bedroom and jumped onto the bed and started kissing.

"Oh, Rose!" said the man. "Let's make a baby!"

"Only if we can name it Quigley!" she replied, giggling.

"But Quigley is our last name!" laughed the man. "Are we going to name him Quigley Quigley?"

"Maybe!" she said, giggling some more.

"That was convenient." Preston thought to himself. He crept out of the closet, until he was standing at the foot of the bed, and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Time to become unborn, Quigley!" He punched Quigley's dad, José, right in the butt, and ran out of the room.

In their surprise, it took the two a moment to get up and find their footing. Preston had run to the kitchen and yelled, "I'm starting a fire!"

José and Rose looked at each other in panic and in unison said, "Here we go again!"

Preston didn't really start a fire, but he did run out the door and down the street by the time the couple made it to the kitchen. They were relieved to find that their kitchen was not on fire. They headed back to the bedroom, but the mood was ruined, and José's sperms had shuffled around anyway, so Quigley being born was unlikely. Preston's mission was a success.

It was at that very same moment, in the Present, that adult Quigley, who was hiding in a bush, repented his sins and then yelled, "Help! I'm being unborn!", before fading out of existence, forever.

Preston had around 5 hours and 56 minutes remaining until he would be pulled into the future again, so he decided to explore the town. He saw a Burger Benny's down the road, decided he could eat, and walked in.

On the walls were colorful depictions of the Burger Benny's mascot crew. There was Burger Benny himself, Rear Admiral Von Cheese, The Sirloiner Purloiner, Sexy French Fry Moose, Sir Shakes-a-Lot, The Milkshake Minstrel, and Soft-Ice-Cream-Drink Douglas! Preston guessed that milkshakes used to be a lot more popular than they were in his time. He would have to try one out.

Preston walked up to the counter and ordered. "Two hamburgers, a large bin of fries, three Cheesekriegs, a soft-ice-cream-drink, two Sirloiners, and a Milkshake Squeezer, please!"

The cashier locked eyes with him, and slowly lowered himself down to Preston's height. From behind the counter, he pulled out a tray with Preston's exact order, hot and ready to eat, and placed it on the counter, never breaking eye contact.

Preston thanked the cashier, and went to go pick out a table. His walk had a happy energy to it. It morphed into a dance walk, and Preston's body started to sway and pulse to the rhythm inside him. As he reached the table, he dropped into a full splits, and his pants split loudly. The food on his tray, however, stayed perfectly balanced. Preston's mood soured a bit. He had liked these pants, but they were ripped now. He sighed and bought a new pair of pants as he sat down. Good as new.

He chowed all the way down on his tasty meal, savoring every bite. He was having a great time! He had accomplished his goal ridiculously fast, and he was in an environment that he was beginning to love. He looked around to see what else there was to see. More tables, a party room, a lone rocking horse outside, and the cashier who was still staring at him. Preston increased his eating pace, and before long, it was time for his soft-ice-cream-drink. It was Plain, his favorite flavor of all! He slurped the drink and smiled. Life was good.

Preston turned back toward the cashier. Yup, he was still staring. Preston winked at him, just to be a little saucy, and took another slurp of his milkshake. His drink became loud, indicating that it was empty. Preston slurped a little harder, just to make sure he got every last drop of that intoxicating ice cream sludge.

The moment that the last drop entered Preston's mouth, he knew that he had made a terrible mistake. His stomach gurgled loudly. He tried to walk to the bathroom, but it was too late. He had the toots again. Like a balloon that hadn't been tied, he flew around the room in a tornado of toots.

"Help! I've got the tooooooooooooooots!" Preston yelled as he picked up speed. The cashier's head bobbled as he kept eye contact with Preston.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled Preston. He could feel the pressure in him increasing even as the gas rushed out of him.

With a huge "BLAM!", a final, gigantic toot escaped Preston, and his speed reached 88 miles per hour, which caused the Time Turner to react, sending him 65 million years into the Past.

The cashier chuckled a bit and said, "Heh heh, toots." and then started to choke on the toot gas and fell over.


	25. Shay Gets a Dinosaur

Quigley opened his eyes wide in panic. Where was he? Colors blended into other colors, and there didn't seem to be anywhere to stand. He floated there for a bit, thinking. He remembered now, he had been hiding in a bush, and then he was… unborn? That seemed crazy, but here he was. He tucked his knees in, and did a flip. That was fun. He spun there for a while, then stopped. The colors continued to swirl, but now they looked like they were moving away from him. Slowly at first, almost imperceptible, but they began to move a bit more quickly. Quigley turned around, and saw that the colors on this side were moving toward him.

A digital watch floated past him, and bounced lightly off his cheek. He grabbed it and put it on. Very stylish. While he was looking at his wrist, a wind-up watch collided with his face, startling him. He put that on too, because, hey, free watch, but he kept an eye out. He ducked out of the way of a wall clock, then a grandfather clock. As he dodged various clocks, they came at him faster and faster. Without anything to push off of, except clocks, he wasn't able to get out of the way of the huge sundial that hurtled toward him, and it clipped his foot, causing him to spin sickeningly. This place seemed to have run out of clocks, but the colors continued to accelerate into a gross brown blur. Seriously, who even picked this color?

Suddenly, Quigley was thrown out of the cliched time travel sequence, and hit the ground at speed. The ground was covered in soft moss, but it still stung, going as fast as he was. Groaning, he got up, and looked at his surroundings. The plants were strange, and the animals were strange, but the Sun still looked the same. He looked up and waved at Apollo, who was pulling the Sun behind his chariot. Apollo waved back.

Quigley looked around, and saw some weird monsters walking around. "Dinosaurs, got it. Time travel. I know." said Quigley. He frowned. Where was he going to find moustache wax in the past? He heard the sound of someone running, but scuffing their feet on the ground. Probably a kid. Quigley moved toward the sound, but he hid in a bush. He loved bushes.

"Awesome! A baby dinosaur!" Preston yelled.

"Of course Preston is here." Quigley muttered to himself. "All of time to choose from, and he ends up here too." He continued to watch Preston, out of sight, but he soon got bored. "Since I'm stuck in the past, I guess I don't need this anymore." Quigley pulled out his wallet, which was always tucked in his back pocket, and it made sitting down uncomfortable. He tossed his wallet in a pond, and sat down at the shore. His butt felt much better now.

After admiring the pond for a while, he got up to go for a walk. He didn't see the sign on the other side of the pond that read "Dinosaur Bank".

A couple of hours went by and Quigley found Preston again. He was doing something dumb, Quigley had no doubt, but as long as he wasn't kissing Shay, he had no problem with him. He was holding and petting a baby dinosaur. Quigley found it strange that the dinosaur's parents hadn't eaten Preston yet. Something on Preston's neck started to hum and glow, and Preston shot forward and disappeared. Almost instantly, Quigley found himself yanked forward after Preston, back into the colorful clock-filled world.

He exited back into 1991, and rolled to a stop. He instantly regretted throwing his wallet into the pond. He was hungry, and he didn't have any money for food. Grumbling, he walked off. He could make it to the bank by the time it opened.

He arrived at the bank at whatever nonsense hour the bank decided to open that day. "I lost my credit card, and I need a new one." Quigley told the teller.

The teller pulled up Quigley's account, and without any discretion at all, shouted "Great Caesar's ghost! You're crazy rich!"

This confused Quigley, who had never been a rich man. He looked at the computer monitor, and noticed that it was branded 'Dinosaur Bank'. Time stopped, and an elevator made of angels crashed through the bank's ceiling. The doors opened, and both God and Jesus stepped out.

"Quigley!" spoke Jesus. "We've been waiting for you to get back to 1991. Compound interest has made you stinking, filthy rich! You are finally rich enough be a god, like us!" Jesus placed his hand on Quigley's forehead, and lightning arced over Quigley's whole deal.

Quigley had never felt this rich before! He felt like he could do anything! "Nyaa ha ha ha ha!" Quigley cackled. "It's time to stop those two from dating, once and for all!"

God and Jesus watched him fly off. They both looked at each other and shrugged. Jesus used the bank's hand sanitizer, and they got back on the angel elevator.

Preston walked into his house, and found Shay. "I got you a present!" he said.

"Aww!" Shay's eyes turned into little hearts. "It's a baby Archaeopteryx! Where did you find it?"

"I went to the past!" Preston said, proudly.

Unfazed by this, Shay pet the little bird-o-saurus on the head, and fed it some cheese.

There was a rumbling sound, and the house started to shake. Preston went outside to see what the deal was.

The deal was Quigley, flying slowly toward the house. Around him, trees were uprooting, and the ground was cracking and burning where the bright green lightning struck around him.

"Preston!" he called. "This is the end for you! It's time… for death!" Quigley had planned something more impressive to say, but he was so excited that he messed up his line.

Preston leapt into the air and blasted him with money lightning. Quigley's own lightning simply absorbed Preston's, leaving Quigley untouched. "You'll have to do better than that!"

A fully grown uprooted tree flew into Quigley's hands. It and Quigley disappeared, and reappeared directly over Preston's head. Quigley swung downward and drove Preston into the ground, like a sexy tent stake. It was at that moment, that Preston realized that Quigley might be richer than he was.

Preston exploded the ground around him, sending it flying into Quigley's eyes. Temporarily blinded, Quigley dropped the tree to tend to his peepers. Preston took the opportunity to fly full speed at him, and punch him as hard as he could in the tummy. Quigley barely even noticed.

Quigley casually finished wiping his eyes, and looked at Preston. He chuckled a bit, and then faster than Preston could see, Quigley struck him in the chest, sending him flying backward, crashing into his house, through the walls, into his ship, and through the bottom of the hull, onto the bottom of the pool. It didn't feel great. As Preston rubbed his damaged sternum, the ship began to sink around him, and Preston found himself back inside the boat. In front of him was his treasure chest of his remaining blank checks.

Getting an idea, Preston ripped the chest open, and devoured the checks. They were wet and didn't taste as good as they did when they were dry, but Preston wolfed them down as quickly as he could. As he swallowed the final, slimy mouthful, the water around him bubbled, turned to mist, and disappeared. His ship disappeared, and the land around him disappeared, leaving him standing in a pure white, featureless landscape.

He turned to look around, and behind him, saw a wall of digital displays. Each had very big numbers on it. There were names next to each. At the top was God, then Jesus, then Quigley, and then Preston. The number display next to Preston's name was increasing so fast that the numbers were all blurring together. An angel in a very nice outfit walked up to the board, holding a stick with a hook on the end. She rearranged the scoreboard, so that Preston's name was on top. The numbers finally stopped, and Preston's number was over twice as big as God's! Preston looked ever so slightly to the left, and saw dollar signs before each number. He slowly came to the same conclusion that you, dear reader, probably came to long ago; that Preston was now twice as rich as God himself, and was, therefore, a DoubleGod.

Twice as much money lightning as usual arced over Preston's whole deal, and he felt richer than ever! He laughed, triumphantly, and it was auto-tuned and everything! Preston was now the real deal.

"Time to teach Quigley a lesson." said Preston to himself, and appeared, 50 feet tall and covered in lightning, in front of Quigley.

Quigley looked up at him, eyes wide in terror.

"It's over now, Quigley." said Preston, reaching out and grabbing Quigley in his left hand.

"I repent my sins!" shouted Quigley, sensing his doom.

"I don't care." said Preston, who started to shrink, until they were the same size. They hugged it out. "I don't care, man." Preston repeated, crying.

"I'm sorry for what I've done." said Quigley. "I've been a big jerk. I just think the age difference between you and Shay is too much. Be her friend for a few years, and I think the relationship will be a lot healthier."

"I appreciate that." said Preston. They broke apart their embrace, and looked at the neighborhood around them. With a small wave of his hand, Preston undid all of the damage that he and Quigley had rained down upon the town.

"While you're fixing things," Quigley said. "I think we could use our power to make this world a better place. I'm going to start by getting rid of world hunger." He approached the oak tree in Preston's yard and slid his hand up the trunk. The tree glowed for a moment, and all of the tree's acorns became hams.

"That's a lovely ham tree!" said Shay. "Let's be together forever!"

Shay and Quigley walked, hand in hand, out of Preston's life forever, but it was okay. Preston still needed to beat Blank Check: The Video Game.

Three Years Later:

Preston was all grown up now. He walked through the busy downtown streets. A lot had changed since Buck Wiggles led this town on a sexual revolution with his hypnotic wiggling. A lot more people were wearing yoga pants, for one thing.

Preston sat on a bench for a while, under a ham tree. He looked up at it, and thought of Shay. He thought about her every day.

After a while, Preston got up and continued his walk. He entered a small grocery store, and picked out a loaf of bread. It cost a little more here than it did at the bigger stores, but Preston didn't mind. He thought this shop's bread tasted a little better.

He waited in line to pay. He glanced at the headline of the newspaper. "Quigley Wins Mayoral Election"

Preston grinned. "You did it, buddy. You finally did it."

Life was good.

The End

After-the-Credits Bonus Scene:

Preston's piano was delivered while he was out buying bread, but Preston wasn't there to answer the door, so the delivery guys just left a note on his door, and now Preston had to go pick it up from the Post Office. What a pain!


End file.
